Who will take home the prizes at The Cricketer's glitzy (and entirely fictitious) end-of-season awards show?

SAM MORSHEAD: The floodlights are glaring (even though it’s half-two in the afternoon), county cricket’s glitterati are decked out in their finest garbs and a 100-foot Sunseeker is floating on the New Road outfield…

^{Clockwise from left: Allen Stanford, Jimmy Anderson, Colin Graves and Graham Onions}

The floodlights are glaring (even though it’s half-two in the afternoon), county cricket’s glitterati are decked out in their finest garbs and a 100-foot Sunseeker is floating on the New Road outfield… it can only mean one thing, the totally fictitious Cricketer county cricket awards show.

The great and the good of the English domestic scene, and a handful of ECB marketing types, are here to revel in the delights of another sensational season.

And what a season it was.

“This year, just 85 per cent clashed with the football calendar,” the programme booms proudly. “And we have set a new record for most appearances on the back page of The Times for a single 12-month period.”

Peter Siddle and his beanie, Onions in his underwear

All the big names are out in support of the event - Tom Kohler-Cadmore, Oliver Hannon-Dalby, Ricardo Vasconcelos (that’s enough, Ed)... - but the seating plan is causing some discontent.

While Glamorgan have been handed a plum position near the stage, complete with table service and a cordon bleu menu, the Durham contingent are having to make do with cold McDonald’s by the toilets.

“We paid the same amount for a ticket,” one insider grumbles.

Sadly, the warm-up act does not do much to lift spirits.

In order to save a little money, presumably for worthwhile investment elsewhere, Colin Graves has turned his hand to magic.

“Watch,” he barks, “as I saw this beautiful competition in two without a scratch.”

Was Jimmy Anderson's hair a tribute to Romania's 1998 football team?

Three-hundred-and-twenty-one ECB aides are quick to insist he misspoke but Graves continues unabashed, returning to his seat draped in green light, followed by the boos of a thousand mums and kids in the school holidays.

As Mick Hunt sweeps the last of the Kia Super League debris from the stage, we can at least get into the nitty gritty of the afternoon.

The throwaway awards are up first - you know, the meaningless guff to appease the sponsors.

Peter Siddle’s beanie wins “Fashion Cameo of the Campaign”, narrowly seeing off competition from Graham Onion’s pants and Max Waller’s spikes, while Jimmy Anderson is presented with the “Blond Moment” medal - for that peroxide mishap - by the entire 1998 Romanian football World Cup squad.

“Collapse of the Year”, sponsored by the England middle order, is next up and in a season where ball has dominated bat there is fierce competition.

There can only be one winner: Durham’s 127 for 20 in two sessions against Leicestershire. Paul Collingwood collects his team’s prize; a second-hand game of Giant Jenga.

A musical interlude comes courtesy of Rod Bransgrove and Strapped For Cash.

“Anything you do has an arrogant air, you look down your nose, you're a pompous bully, you're vain and arrogant, talking posh, I've never met anyone quite like you,” boom the lyrics of their mid-season ditty, ‘A Faecal Matter’.

Somewhere in the audience, Giles Clarke’s ears are in need of a hosing down.

While the former ECB chairman goes in search of a cold shower, the “White Elephant Trophy” is presented to the pink ball and Liam Trevaskis of Durham Jets is named “Rearguard of the Year” for his daft final over against Lancashire Lightning in the Blast. The gong is dished out by Monty Panesar (skating on stage left) with a side of cauliflower and potato curry.

India coach Ravi Shastri collects the “Shane Warne’s Double Chin Memorial Award” for the worst excuse of 2018; that extraordinary claim that Chelmsford was too hot. “Aaaaand it’s taken,” he whoops as he returns to his seat.

There’s a crackle on the big screen before Allen Stanford appears via videolink from his Florida cell to present the “Emperor’s New Research” prize.

And there’s only ever one winner.

Hurrying down the aisles to collect their trophy faster than a five-ball over are the good guys and girls of The Hundred, each pointing excitedly to a Powerpoint slideshow that to the naked eye appears totally blank.

Ian Bell: Comeback king

“Isn’t it a beautiful piece of goods,” they exclaim in unison. “Just look. What colours, what design!”

The unfortunately-titled Managing Director of New T20 Sanjay Patel ironically has his acceptance speech cut short, though.

“We have to go to Strictly Cake Landscaping,” the BBC director chirps.

“Comeback of the Year” is a toughy. Yorkshire’s Lazarus impression at Chelmsford - bowled out for 50 in a winning cause - is a popular contender, but there is a lot of love for the overall champ.

Ian Bell, at the ripe old age of 36, put memories of a disappointing 2017 behind him with more than 1,800 runs, including a half-dozen lofted off drives in the T20 Blast which are rumoured to have sired several children.

Bell’s Warwickshire team-mate Jonathan Trott is one of three men who share the title of “Retiree 2018” - James Foster and Collingwood completing the classy three-piece - while Tom Moores surprisingly beats the ECB to the “Cricket’s New Audience” award after spreading the good gospel to fans of Spanish football, with a pair of helping hands from David de Gea.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 https://t.co/KajdUhX9ZP

— David de Gea (@D_DeGea) April 24, 2018

“Innovation of the Year” is a hotly-contested category.

Pat Brown’s knuckleball and Liam Livingstone’s shinpad-cum-thumbguard are both highly commended by the judges - Tillekeratne Dilshan, Nat Sciver and the ghost of Bernard Bosanquet - but there’s a runaway winner.

“Let’s hear it for ‘non-geographically defined teams bowling five-ball overs with an orange ball, possibly consecutively, using interchangeable fielders from 15-man squads set to the musical tick of a countdown clock overlaid with Michael McIntyre’s commentary,’” our compere gasps.

When the winners turn to make their acceptance speech, though, most of the room has bunked off home, the award of course not being aimed at them.

“McNugget?” asks Collingwood from the back.