DENNIS DOES THE WORLD CUP: Halfway through and everything's gone to pot

Guest columnist Dennis Freedman has been watching the World Cup from afar, and he is not impressed. Here's what has got Dennis's goat...

How much of the World Cup have you actually watched?

Sport is meant to represent the best in egalitarianism. Unless of course you are a corporation looking at sport as a way to generate revenues. In that case, you couldn’t give a rat’s handbag whether or not the working class proletariat can view your game. You just care about your TV rights income.

And who is contributing the TV income for this World Cup almost universally around the globe? That’s correct. The pay TV operators.

If you don’t have Sky or Sony or Foxtel or whatever they call it in Afghanistan, you can’t watch much of the biggest cricket tournament in the world. But that’s okay, because this World Cup has generated more TV revenue for the ICC than any World Cup previously. And this is important, because it makes the ICC rich. Actually growing the viewer base to get the next generation of kids involved is no longer a noble goal. It is a distraction.

Even where I live, where free-to-air TV broadcasts of Australia’s World Cup matches are protected by legislation, Channel Nine have chosen to hide them on a back channel that only broadcasts in 8-bit graphics.

So to actually see what the hell is going on, like many, I’m using social media. But that isn’t always a failsafe as the rights holders are targeting users who share content to the poor people who want to experience what is actually going on.  

^{How much of the World Cup have you been able to see?}

Not playing your best cricketers

It hasn’t been spoken about much, but the Proteas have managed to choke on this year’s World Cup well before the semi finals have commenced. That’s progress.

They just turned up, lost their first three matches, had the player’s managers negotiate Kolpak deals and are now on a shopping trip with their partners. AB de Villers tried to right the ship by offering to come out of retirement but Cricket South Africa said no. They want commitment. Also, De Villiers would not have helped their quota issues. Cough.

South Africa aren’t alone in their arsehattery. The world’s greatest ever offspinner Nathan Lyon can’t get a game for Australia. Apparently, Adam Zampa is a better spinner or joker or they didn’t want to upset Marcus Stoinis or something.

Pakistan and India both took the concept of not playing your cricketers to a new level by not even sending them to England. Rishabh Pant and Umar Akmal instead got to do other things, like watch non-official streams of World Cup games on social media. But Junaid Khan did it best with his silent protest of posting a picture of himself with his mouth taped shut. Quality stuff.  

But my favourite has to be Afghanistan’s Mohammad Shahzad. A cult hero amongst rotund village keepers worldwide, Shahzad is one of Afghanistan’s only match winners. However, he’s been sent home for being “unfit”. If this was the truth, which we all know it isn’t, then why select him and fly him to England in the first place? Shahzad claimed in a teary interview that he’s as fit as he’s ever been.

It’s fun to speculate on what actually happened because the worst that can happen is a lawsuit for libel or defamation. I’ve been through that process a few times with cricketers. I’m undefeated, match fit and The Cricketer has a good insurance policy for such an event so let’s do this.

If I was a betting man, which I’m not because it’s haram, I’d suggest he’s either… (our insurance premiums just went up, Ed).

^{Mohammad Shahzad was sent home by Afghanistan}

Dhoni’s gloves

Political statements at the cricket World Cup are not a new thing. It will almost be impossible to beat Henry Olonga and Andy Flower’s stance against Mugabe in 2003. It is always incredibly dangerous speaking out against a country that has a Ministry of Propaganda… sorry, sorry! I mean Information.

The host broadcasters are taking George Orwell's concepts to extremes, and to your screens, by writing an email to Michael Holding telling him not to be derogatory towards umpiring decisions. Holding threatened to walk rather than be censored. That’s the kind of hero we need.

Remember folks, the government is always smarter than you and knows what you should hear, read and think.

Anyhow, the real winner here is India. Lt Colonel MS Dhoni of the Indian armed forces decided it would be a good idea to have the emblem of a military regiment on his wicketkeeping gloves. The funny thing is that this Lt Colonel has never actually served. He was just given the title by the government.

It would be like Joe Root being made a Battalion Commander for services to occasional offspin.

It gets even more ridiculous, with Indian captain Virat Kohli coming out publicly before the India-Pakistan pool match to tell us to just enjoy the game because it isn’t war. Yet only a few weeks ago, he had his team wearing army camouflage caps in an ODI match against Australia.  

Honorary Lt Colonel. Military emblem on gloves. Camouflage caps. But just enjoy the game folks. The warmongering stuff isn’t real. We are just doing it because it looks cool.

VISIT THE WORLD CUP PORTAL

The crowd

What have the fans attending this year’s World Cup brought us? Total lameness, that’s what.

In Bristol, a couple of them rocked up dressed up as sandpaper. Just think about the decision-making process a grown adult goes through to make that happen. Surely somewhere along the line you’d question whether it is worth it?

There was Pee Man, a fan dressed in the Indian flag who decided to share his privates via social media in the style of retired England allrounders. This chap took it one step further, however, by peeing in the stands and laughing about it. Fella, this isn’t an eastern European porn convention.

What about the double-teapotting Pakistani, standing there in his puffer jacket, hands on hips and face drooping after Asif Ali dropped a catch against Australia. His look summed up for everyone what it is like being a Pakistan cricket supporter. But it’s nothing new. Look all around Taunton and you’d see the same expression that day. For that matter, look all around Lahore. Or Karachi. Or Islamabad. Or Multan.

Where is Kinsey Wolanski when you need her? The world’s most famous Champion’s League Final streaker claimed she gained 2million new Instagram followers after her Lady Godiva tribute sans horse. So why haven’t we seen a streaker at the cricket World Cup yet?

I’ll tell you why. Because it is behind the paywall. So the exposure equation doesn’t quite work.

^{MS Dhoni's gloves caused a stir}

Best of the rest

I could go on about the official commentators. Is there anything more likely to suck the jam from your doughnut than Michael Slater announcing he is about to hand over the microphone (yay) and then passing it to Michael Clarke?

What about those heavy bails? I want a Royal Commission into them. What percentage weight are they over a normal bail. Are the grooves deeper? What does Pythagoras’s Theorem have to say about all of this?

Speaking of Greek mathematicians, can one of them please explain to me what the hell “phases” are and how they add to the coverage in any meaningful way?  

All we need now is for the World Cup final and the reserve day to be a washout, followed by Juan Antonio Samaranch claiming that this was the “best World Cup ever” at the closing ceremony.

Our coverage of the ICC Cricket World Cup 2019 is brought to you in association with Cricket 19, the official video game of the Ashes. Order your copy now at Amazon.co.uk