BEFORE THE 'FUN' STOPS, STOP - Part V: Four weeks to save my life

Looking on the bright side – Acceptance and ownership

It is the hardest thing I have and perhaps will have to face in my life but perhaps the most significant. Losing my job, and having thousands and thousands of pounds worth of debt seems a big price to pay, and it is. But the truth is it is worth it for having my family and friends back, my girlfriend by my side every step of the way and ultimately the ability to be myself and most significantly being happy being myself and proud of who I am and what I have done.

I have faced many ups and downs in life, like everybody - the dream of being a professional cricketer in tatters being one of the best examples. But nothing and I mean nothing will ever be harder than admitting you are an addict and beginning your long and endless road to recovery.

There is no denying that I have regrets, astronomical regrets, about how I behaved and what I did and that guilt is something that I will live with for the rest of my life. Of course I have let people down and I am not proud of that in any way but I strongly believe now thanks to the help of so many that I am not a bad person. I now have hope and hope is a gift that you simply cannot put a price on.

This experience, this hellish and toxic illness that has monopolised my life for so long has taught me so much and I will hopefully be stronger for it but I think Shakespeare sums it up (as always) better than anyone can:

"I always feel happy. You know why? Because I don’t expect anything from anyone. Expectations always hurt. Life is short. So love your life. Be happy. And keep smiling. Just live for yourself and before you speak, Listen. Before you write, Think. Before you spend, Earn. Before you pray, Forgive. Before you hurt, Feel. Before you hate, Love. Before you quit, Try. Before you die, Live."

PART I: How it all began

PART II: I had lost my mind

Part III: My behaviour was disgusting

Part IV: Facing fears

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Four weeks that saved my life

I came within minutes of taking a decision that would have not only prematurely and selfishly ended my own life but also impacted others to an extent that I cannot comprehend.

I sit here now delighted that the madness never materialised and that my ‘higher power’ intervened and prevented me from doing that most self-centred of acts.

It is almost impossible to describe to anyone how I felt walking into an addiction clinic in central London on the morning of Monday, March 26 2018 and the plethora of emotions that was coursing through every vein of my body.

The thought of sitting in a circle of chairs with 10 strangers all facing the same unbearable powerlessness even if the manifestations of our addiction were different filled me with dread, fear and indescribable pain.

The thought of talking about my feelings and exposing myself and my so called ‘weaknesses and errors’ was every man’s nightmare and mine more than anyone. It is safe to say that I should never have and will never ‘doubt the process’.

The journey I have been on has been like a rollercoaster, at times excruciating, painful and sad and at others amusing and incomparably satisfying. There has been ‘soul searching’ of the highest degree and every aspect of my life and being has been analysed and picked apart to help me get to the bottom of this horrendous illness. For obvious reasons and in respect of confidentiality I cannot go into the details of what I was told and what I was heard.

All I know is that in four weeks my life was turned around and where there was no way out there is now hope and forgiveness. I learnt some of the best lessons anyone can ever be taught and I have started to find myself again and rediscovered my inner self which is beyond my wildest dreams given where I was when I began the process. I have met and been taught by the most inspirational and incredible people, every one of them unique but all with a magical healing touch that I am blessed to have received.

Being ‘found out’ and exposed was at the time my worst nightmare but I can hand on heart say that this has now become a dream and even more so reality. It is only the start of a very long journey that is going to have plenty of bumps in the road and huge obstacles to hurdle but it is a start and I have been put back on my feet and I am eternally grateful for this. It is no exaggeration to say that four weeks of my life have saved my life and have allowed me to go again, stronger, braver, more vulnerable but ultimately more at peace with myself and who I am.