Our winter journey through the pet hates of The Cricketer's writers and contributors continues as HUW TURBERVILL airs his gripes about those at the top of the game who make decisions for commercial and not cricketing reasons...
Away teams being hammered every series is the biggest problem Test cricket has, right?
Wrong! At least according to the ICC. Apparently, it’s five-day Tests!
“Oh I see!” to paraphrase Basil Fawlty. “There I was thinking India and Australia smashing everybody out of sight at home was the problem, when all the time four-day Tests were the answer. It’s so obvious! I’ve seen the light now.”
There were 15 Test series in the last calendar year – I’m including South Africa v England (the hosts lead after the first Test at Centurion) in that – and only two have seen the tourists triumph: Sri Lanka in South Africa, and India in West Indies. Sri Lanka v New Zealand and England v Australia were drawn. The rest resulted in, as the announcer used to say for pools coupons on wet weekends, ‘home win’.
It’s the manner of some of those victories as well though. Hosts bat first, rack up 450-600. Other teams make 250 and 180, or even – for variety’s sake – 180 and 250, and it’s game over.
The Kookaburra ball does a bit for six overs or so, then it’s Rohit Sharma, Virat Kohli, Steve Smith or Dave Warner plonking popgun bowlers around the park.
Awarding the toss to the away side is something that must be considered (it’s not ideal, I know).
So who do I want to condemn to Room 111?
Cricket’s faceless, pinstripe-suited administrators, of course. Those who make decisions for commercial, not cricket reasons.
Steve Smith making runs - a familiar sight in Test cricket
The same folk who decided it would be sensible to have seven County Championship matches by the end of May and four in September next year, leaving just three in high summer. Screw Test cricket! Let’s make money from the Blast!
No one gives a rat’s backside about the fans. It’s like that article Simon Wilde wrote for The Cricketer's December issue. Apparently, the modern cricketer wants to practise not play these days. Well I hate to break it to you boys (and girls), but the paying spectator actually wants to see a bit of action now and again. Sorry, but we don’t want just 10 Championship matches.
We all know why administrators want four-day Tests, and it’s nowt to do with cricket. It’s because they never know if matches are going to go to a fifth day, but they have to pay the caterers and stewards anyhow.
Well, tough! Five days help make Test cricket great. Shakespeare didn’t write his plays in four acts, did he?
Fair play to Australia captain Tim Paine, who pointed out that all five Tests in last summer’s Ashes went to a fifth day. Yes I know they say there will be 98 overs in a day, not 90. What chance? Fat chance! They barely manage 90 as it is.
Major cricket decisions are half-ar*ed and half-baked. Take the World Test Championship. With 120 points available per series, somehow the ICC have found a way to award 60 points to India for beating Bangladesh at home, but only 24 to Australia for defeating England at Edgbaston. As Richard Littlejohn might say, “You couldn’t make it up!”
It’s like the London Underground. To improve it, they have to tinker with it. They repair a bit of line here, repair some signals there. In some places, three or four lines are reliant on the same bit of track. It’s no longer fit for purpose. Whereas in other cities, you can just start from scratch, build something new and end up with something far more efficient.
The Test Championship has to accommodate a’s wishes to play b, but c doesn’t want to play d, and e only wants two Tests with f, and so on.
In The Hitchhikers’ Guide to the Galaxy, a humanoid race called the Golgafrinchans persuade the useless third of the population (management consultants and marketing executives mainly) that they have the honour of leaving their planet in a giant space ark and venturing to a new world. It is a ruse of course. The other two-thirds just want rid.
I’d put cricket’s money-mad administrators in the next ark, and leave us to watch and appreciate the game we love.
OTHER NOMINATIONS FOR ROOM 111
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