THE CHRISTMAS GOOGLY: Beefy and the Beanstalk

HUW TURBERVILL: Video footage sent to me by one of Botham's co-stars, Adam Morris, suggests Robert de Niro would not have a lot to worry about, while the producers devised a unique way of repressing a singing voice which was a work in progress

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"England will be boosted by the arrival of Ben Stokes for the third Test at Port Elizabeth, once his stint as Battons in Dick Whittington at Milton Keynes Theatre is complete."

Ridiculous? Maybe. But it happened in the winter of 1991/1992.

Sir Ian Botham – Sir Beefalot – did indeed join Graham Gooch's England squad in time to play in the third Test in New Zealand, after playing the part of the king in Jack and the Beanstalk in Bournemouth. He starred alongside his old drinking buddy, Max Boyce.

To be fair he wasn't expected to play in the Tests, but injuries saw him drafted in, and he won his 100th cap at Wellington. He made 15 and 1, and recorded match figures of 3-76; the Test was drawn, leaving England 2-0 victors.

A journalist called Mike Beale tried to give him a cake on the outfield to mark his century. There had been criticism of his weight too, but he saw the funny side.

He warmed up for his main (cricket) assignment of the winter, the World Cup, by cracking 79 from 73 balls in an ODI at Christchurch. It was the closest he ever came to an ODI century in 106 knocks. He continued as a pinch-hitter in the World Cup, and showed off his diplomatic skills upon arrival: "What would be better than to beat the Aussies at Melbourne [in the final] in front of 100,000 convicts?"

^{Ian Botham in World Cup action in 1992}

He had a moderate campaign with the bat, save for 53 against Australia. He was better overall with the ball, especially during a spell in that same match when he removed Allan Border, Ian Healy, Peter Taylor and Craig McDermott in seven balls without conceding a run, for figures of 4-31. Border lamented: "Botham is the ultimate competitor. He saves his best for us." As it happened however, England lost in the final at the MCG, not to Australia, but Pakistan.

Anyhow, this article is meant to be about Beefy in panto – "Oh yes it is!" By this stage he was a seasoned performer. The winter before he had played the same role in Bradford's Alhambra Theatre, this time with the kids' favourites: Geoffrey Hayes, George and Zippy from Rainbow. It is said that he learnt a lot about use of emotional range from the latter duo. Boyce was in that one too. The Daily Express said: "The expressionless Botham is the only wooden thing on stage apart from the beanstalk – and even that projects itself better." Ouch.

Botham went on to appear in Dick Whittington in 1993. He and Confessions star Robin Askwith (personally I think it should have been Lambie instead) were the Broker's Men (Botham was 'Silly Mid-Off' – arf!), while Buster 'Uncle Albert' Merryfield and June 'Dot Cotton' Brown were also in the cast. Askwith went on to read the audio version of Botham's book, Don’t Tell Kath.

Video footage sent to me by one of Botham's co-stars, Adam Morris, suggests Robert de Niro would not have a lot to worry about, while the producers devised a unique way of repressing a singing voice which was a work in progress. From his book, Head On, Botham wrote: "My singing voice is so terrible that the producer banned me, but he didn’t want me to mime either, so we reached a compromise. I stuck a couple of condoms over my radio microphone."

There was one last treat for people who loved panto and cricket. Botham appeared alongside Rolf Harris (no doubt prompting the inclusion of some hilarious Ashes banter) in Cinderella in 1994.

"When Ian hit bread rolls into the audience with a bat, the talent he had was awesome. He had that lazily perfect timing with a ball (and indeed a bread roll) only the most gifted have"

Legendary thesp Christopher Biggins disapproved: "Not just anyone can do it but I've seen Americans and Australian soap stars do wonderful pantos because they're actors. However, I draw the line at sportsmen. I saw Ian Botham do panto one year. They haven't got any idea of how to behave on stage."

And Morris tells an hilarious account of his time with Botham in his blog: "Of all the non-actors, Ian was the most keen to do well… and was polite and considerate. At the end of the run, I had to work hard to fix my expression when he told me that the theatre board were considering casting him in an Ayckbourn play. 

"Having been in Ayckbourn, I know that it's a completely different kettle of fish being 'Silly Mid-Off' in Dick Whittington. He was great at that, but Ayckbourn? I think Ian knew in his heart of hearts he would be pushing it a bit.

"Why not? Because acting is a skill. Good acting looks easy. That's the point of it. This can lend people to assume that it is easy, but it's not – and panto is also physically tough with two performances six, sometimes seven, days a week. You therefore get a rugby player confessing how his panto run was the hardest thing he's ever done.

"When Ian hit bread rolls into the audience with a bat, the talent he had was awesome. He had that lazily perfect timing with a ball (and indeed a bread roll) only the most gifted have. I wouldn't consider attempting to emulate that, so it shouldn't work the other way around."

Let's hope Botham never goes to discuss this with Morris. "He's behind you!" Boff! 

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