NICK HOWSON: The 18 first-class counties and MCC have a stellar collection of gifts for the festive period. But where are the best and worst items to be found?
When Matt Terry sung "I got tears, running down, burning in my eyes and You and I, heated by the flicker of a lighter glow" in his festive single of 2018 - cutting lyrics from a song which unsurprisingly extended the absence of X-Factor winners from the top of the UK singles chart - he can only have been talking about the search for cricket-related gifts.
The pursuit of the perfect present for a loved one follows the emotional rollercoaster Terry outlines. The journey is reminiscent of a Shahid Afridi or Chris Gayle retirement pledge. The wondering, the worrying and then the inevitable concession that it won't happen. Not this year. Maybe not ever.
Fortunately, the 18 first-class counties, the MCC (and The Cricketer) come to the rescue on an annual basis. Attempts to make just about anything cricket-related and purchasable are more relentless than ever.
So if you're still frantically searching around for that final stocking-filler or you really have left it too late, we've done the hard work for you. Here is the good, the bad and the weathervane.
Sympathy must go out to Derbyshire, who have celebrated their 150th year without playing in front of a single of their devoted fans. To mark the occasion, however, a book marking their rise and establishment in the first-class game has been released. Plans are afoot for celebrations to run through 2021, including special events at the Incora County Ground and a commemorative fixture. Players will also wear a special 150th-anniversary logo on their kit in next season's County Championship.
Underwear that provides support in more ways than one. Developed by charity Oddballs, who raise awareness for testicular cancer, this fetching pair includes the Durham Lions logo which was introduced in 2019. One hundred per cent of all money goes towards the foundation.
Sewing has re-emerged during lockdown as the perfect past-time to see away hours. And what better way to protect yourself than with a thimble with the emblem of the reigning county champions and Bob Willis Trophy holders inscribed on? Promising a better defence than a Sir Alastair Cook block (citation needed) this is ideal for the sewing lover in the family.
For the perfect Christmas, you will need one bottle of liquor, a stopwatch, a smartphone, two full-length winter jackets from the Glamorgan club shop and a pair of obliging family members from your household or support bubble. The loser is the last to do their jacket up from the bottom to top, the winners are everyone else. We await a compilation of Matthew Maynard struggling his way into one of these from April 8, Arsene Wenger-style.
The Durham boxers, an Essex thimble, Glamorgan's big coat and a Gloucestershire fan
Remember those days when it was too hot to watch cricket? You really have to dip into the memory bank but those afternoons were not as long ago as they seem. I once got sunburnt at Chester-le-Street, which inexplicably turned into a road in the third innings, exactly 15 minutes after play began. How much a Gloucestershire fan would have helped is debatable, but there would have at least been some respite.
Perhaps the most remarkable county club shop on the circuit. Hampshire aren't so much keen to push their own personalised merchandise, but simply any product they can get their hands on. Unbranded marker pens, sunscreen and umbrellas are all available to purchase. Quite why you'd go to The Ageas Bowl for some of these items, not least the online store, is uncertain. Nevertheless, the tip of the iceberg is to be found via a wine stopper which depicts a batsman with a helmet the same size as his head playing a shot which would challenge VVS Laxman's wrists. Just finish the bottle.
The county of Kent has historically been described as the Garden of England. And what better way to celebrate such status than channelling the dress sense of a council conservation officer. The tinge of green used for this polo shirt, which helps mark Kent's own 150th anniversary, is perfect for the Halloween Party when you go dressed as the owner of a garden centre. Usefully, however, camouflage becomes much easier.
If you've recently seen a group of businesspeople skipping down the Talbot Road outside Emirates Old Trafford, this next item might provide the rationale for such celebration. Whoever successfully pitched a clock which can be revealed by peeling away the lid of a sardine tin should be front and centre of any future Brexit trade agreements. I'd like to think there are individuals who, having woken up in a cold sweat and late for an important presentation, have mistake the clock for tinned food, searching for the time only to find cat food starring right back at them. Alternatively, they may have served a clock to their favourite pet. Either way, this is a moment of pure genius.
When eventual champions Notts Outlaws played Leicestershire Foxes in last season's T20 Blast quarter-finals it was essentially the mustard derby no-one asked for. Cricket jumpers should be alongside Sir David Attenborough in being strictly protected but this particular effort can get in the bin. Unless you're of course you're consuming anything mustard-based, which in that case crack on without fear of making a mess.
The Sussex anniversary scarf and Sussex flip flops
If I ever properly consider what my life would be like if I had not got married, I am confident it would be devoid of two things, candles and scatter cushions. The latter is for purely decorative purposes, offering little or no tangible difference to life as we know it. A bit like Noel Fieldings' hair. Two types of the cushion have been made available by Middlesex, in two inviting colours. A necessary purchase for anyone with too much space.
Sports clothing which doesn't obviously present itself as such is the best kind. This Northamptonshire bobble hat is as close as you can get to such a niche market. It is understated and cool. The outstanding item on this list.
You rip open the paper, pull out the item, look impressed, put the item back, cry. It's the Nottinghamshire apron. Granted, it is better than most novelty kitchen items and certainly more tasteful. But it doesn't so much scream gourmet chief, more awkward uncle who takes three days to perfect the bread sauce and forgets to add the milk. They're compensating for something.
The Taunton club really underwhelms with their offering, leading us to the latest of the ironic t-shirt genre. Best left alone though it does at least save actually talking to the despairing soul you're brought to the cricket with you.
It is important to highlight the detail on Surrey's own Bayeux Tapestry, which has been released as part of their 175th-anniversary range. It does beg the question of why such detail has been devoted to an item which is not designed to be studied with any greater dedication. Questions must also be asked about the practicalities of such an item, which does not, at least initially, appear to be particularly warm. Purchase if you must, but for the love of Alec Bedser don't allow it to see the light of day.
Northamptonshire hat and Worcestershire wig
A product for the real die-hard county enthusiast. A piece of merchandise which you have to take off to show your allegiance. Perfect for infiltrating a group of ultras, not so ideal for proving your devotion.
The worst form of narcissism in t-shirt form. You would think that a hangover, half a horse outfit and the tendency to call everyone 'boss' would be enough to prove you've spent a day in Edgbaston's party stand. Apparently, we need another item of clothing to impress those who love us, as well as those who definitely don't. This the nadir of the most extensive county shop in the country.
Just in case your peers aren't aware if you're having a good time, Worcestershire have provided the ideal item to ensure everyone around you is under no illusion. "Perfect for Vitality Blast dressing up fun" the club describes. Or in other words, turn up to this for a first-class match and there will be serious repercussions. Identified as "novelty' too, just in case you were considering a very unsubtle overhaul.
Soft and cuddly isn't perhaps the first thing that rolls off the tongue when you think of a Viking, but try telling Yorkshire that such stereotypes can't be quashed. I'd be interested to hear from the children who have turned to cricket thanks to Vinny, and certainly the adults. The decision not to partner him with a bat was the correct one.
Planted a tree in an ill-fitting place in your garden to remind you of Canterbury, of flooded it to recreate New Road? Some of cricket's finest images should be left untouched. The same goes for the Father Time Weathervane, which is fine above the Mound Stand clock but is tacky elsewhere. And for a full-sized £500 version there are cheaper ways of proving you're cricket's biggest fan. Get a Hollies t-shirt or something.
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