THE GOOGLY: DOES VIRAT KOHLI FAIL ALLAN BORDER’S ‘TOUGH QUEENSLANDER’ TEST?

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“Strewth Bert, get up! Maybe we need a tough Queenslander!” Oldfield, the former New South Wales gloveman, was buried for hours during the bombardment of Polygon Wood at the end of the First World War in 1918 and was clinging to life when rescued. Fifteen years later his skull was fractured when he top-edged Harold Larwood in the ‘Bodyline' Series.

It remains to be seen if he would have cut the mustard in the Allan Border ‘tough Queenslander’ stakes…

A couple of players of late have come up short, however, according to AB (absolute bravery/aluminum balls).

Border famously tore strips off Dean Jones for wanting to retire hurt with dehydration during his double-century in the tied Test against India in Chennai in 1986. Border called Jones a "weak Victorian", and said he wished he could have a "tough Queenslander" (next man in, Greg Ritchie) batting with him.

Jones, playing in only his third Test, admitted the Australians “didn't know anything about dehydration and rehydration back then”. He said: “When you're urinating in your pants and vomiting 15 times, you've got massive problems.” He made 210 and was then put on a saline drip.

More recently, Matt Renshaw earned Border’s wrath in the first Test against India in Pune. He retired midway through his half-century with a stomach bug on the first day. "I hope he's lying on the table in there half-dead," Border told Fox Sports. “Otherwise, as captain, I would not be happy.”

Let’s hope Renshaw’s birthplace (Middlesbrough, Yorkshire) had nothing to do with Border’s scorn. It is worth pointing out, though, that if Renshaw had been made to stay on, his trousers might have contravened the regulation that Test cricketers must play in white (think New Zealand/Beige Brigade one-day pyjamas instead) … and life for Wriddhiman Saha might have been unbearable when he was standing up to the spinners.

Border – reportedly – was also unimpressed with Virat Kohli’s decision to miss the fourth and final Test with a shoulder injury. Kohli did attend the match, and even carried out 12^th-man duties, and former Australia allrounder Brendon Julian said: “The one sight that was quite puzzling was Virat Kohli out there running some drinks. This is the captain who said, ‘I can’t actually play because I have a shoulder injury’ out there running the drinks. I don’t get that.”

One person who would have passed the Border test is Quinton de Kock, who not only played in the third and final Test against New Zealand in Hamilton, but shone. He has tendon damage on his right index finger, and will now need four weeks to recover, ruling him out of the IPL. Thanks to strapping and a finger splint, he made 90 and 15 not out as his side took the draw they needed to preserve their 1-0 lead.

Maybe he has a relative from Queensland…