TAKE THE RIGHT ANTIBIOTICS, AVOID CLIQUES AND BEWARE PLANES: HOW ENGLAND CAN SURVIVE AN ASHES TOUR

Lessons from history for Joe Root and his men

It's almost here.

On Thursday in Brisbane, the eagerly-anticipated Ashes series between England and Australia will get under way. 

Now's the time, then, for a few final nuggets of wisdom. What can the tourists do to give themselves the best possible chance of victory Down Under?

Well, learning from the past would be a good start.

Here, The Cricketer has picked out a lesson from each of the post-war tours to Oz. Thank us later, lads.

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1946/47 – lost 3-0

Lesson: Don’t drink beer straight after a long day in the field.

After bowling 158.6 eight-ball overs in the first innings of the first Test at the Gabba, the teams shared a keg in the dressing room, which was just a corrugated iron hut with no air conditioning. Even though it was in a huge bucket of ice, beer is not good for rehydration (sadly).

England also had an old squad (only three under 30, and old fellas cannot handle their booze like the youngsters); they had hardly played any cricket during the War, unlike the Aussies; and the management also gave them worsted-wool suits. What were they thinking of?

1950/51 – lost 4-1

Lesson: Make sure England are well fed before they go.

“There was still rationing in England [until 1954], but there were no remnants of the War in Australia,” said Brian Close.

“The amateurs wanted to enjoy the cricket. I had never been out of England before. I could not understand the scene. They played to the best of their ability, but then after play they wanted to enjoy the hospitality.”

1954/55 – won 3-1

Lesson: Take somebody damn quick and hope the Aussies hit him early doors.

Frank Tyson was struck by Ray Lindwall at Sydney. He was “very, very angry”, and bowled the “quickest [Tom Graveney] had ever seen”. He took 28 wickets at 20.82 apiece. The hosts didn’t like it up ’em.

^{Ray Lindwall in action against England}

1958/59 – lost 4-0

Lesson: Beware the draggers (and hope the authorities do not change the front-foot no-ball Law before the series starts.)

A recent book, Front Foot! The Law That Changed Cricket, by Doug Ackerly, says such a step is needed to protect quicks from injury.

Peter May and Co would argue differently, with bowlers like Lindwall, Gordon Rorke and Ian Meckiff – not needing to worry where their front foot went down in those days – delivering from 18 yards away.

1962/63 - 1-1

Lesson: Do not let cliques develop in the tour party.

On this tour the amateurs never invited the professionals to dinner. The amateurs also nabbed the four cars given to them. Ray Illingworth was forced out of his sickbed to field for Colin Cowdrey because he wanted to go to the cinema.

1965/66 – 1-1

Lesson: Beware planes!

This was the first time England travelled all the way by jet, and author EM Wellings said ‘viral diseases’ picked up on the flight hindered the Ashes effort.

1970/71 – won 2-0

Lesson: Don’t put your pace ace on the boundary.

John Snow bowled a bouncer at Terry Jenner and was manhandled by a spectator. Then bottles started being thrown. Stick him at mid-on instead.

1974/75 – 1-1

Lesson: Pack the right equipment.

David ‘Bumble’ Lloyd had only ‘a little pink plastic box’ against Jeff Thomson. “It cracked open and what I had inside fired through before the box snapped shut again like a guillotine coming down.” He retired hurt.

Captain Mike Denness said: “As the plane left Australia for New Zealand, some of the lads said they were glad to get out alive.”

^{David Lloyd in action}

1978/79 – won 5-1

Lesson: Catch the Aussies when they were weak.

The first team had been poached by Kerry Packer. England’s nickname for captain Graeme Yallop was ‘Banzai’ – “he was all up and at ’em, attack and attack. He was all talk,” said JK Lever.

1982/83 – lost 2-1

Lesson: Don’t be persuaded into giving Australia first use of a belter.

Ian Botham told Bob Willis to do just that in the third Test at Adelaide and Australia won by eight wickets. The papers called Willis ‘Father Christmas’.

1986/87 – won 2-1

Lesson: Don’t peak too early.

England were abject in the warm-ups, prompting Martin Johnson to famously write: “There are only three things wrong with the English team – they can't bat, they can't bowl, and they can't field."

Making him eat his words, England won the Tests, Perth Challenge and World Series. Also, make sure you have a good DJ for the victory parties. England had Elton John.

1990/91 – lost 3-0

Lesson: Take the right antibiotics.

Graham Gooch split his ring finger in practice in Perth. It became infected by a ‘rate but lethal organism’. He nearly lost his hand. England lost any hope of winning.

^{Graham Gooch with David Gower in Perth}

1994/95 – lost 3-1

Lesson: Refuse to play in a tournament involving Australia and their B team (called Australia A).

Humiliatingly the tourists saw both homes sides make the one-day final at their expense. When England practised at Sydney the music for The Muppet Show played over the loudspeakers.

1998/99 – lost 3-1

Lesson: Don’t get too hot.

Only ‘mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun’, and with Gooch as manager it was no surprise that England trained too hard. The Australians found it hilarious that England performed sprint routines in searing heat, while they stretch and consumed energy drinks.

2002-03 – lost 4-1

Lesson: "When you win the toss – bat. If you are in doubt, think about it, then bat. If you have very big doubts, consult a colleague – then bat." 

Nasser Hussain ignored this old advice, giving first use to the Aussies at Brisbane. He will never entirely live it down.

2006/07 – lost 5-0

Lesson: Don’t be over-defensive.

In the second Test at Adelaide, England became spellbound by Shane Warne. They scored 70 for 9 in 54 overs, giving Australia just enough time to go 2-0 up.

2010/11 – won 3-1

Lesson: Hope Australia’s match-winners are out of form.

Mitchell Johnson (save for Perth) had a mare, and the hosts had no spinner of note. Pick a strong squad: Chris Tremlett and Tim Bresnan were supersubs.

2013/14 – lost 5-0

Lesson: Console yourselves that it cannot be as bad as last time (can it?).

“I've been on a few bad tours of Australia – both as a player and an observer – and I'd say this is the worst because the scale of the defeats against what I don't think will be perceived as a great Australian side,” said Mike Atherton.

“I've not known such a bad trip, either as a player, commentator or even watching and supporting England,” said Nasser Hussain. Things can only get better!

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