ASHES 2013: Lord's 2013 - Myth & Massacre

Two years ago, Australia found no home comforts at their favourite overseas ground

A margin of 347 runs is massive. But you had to see the faces of the many Australians in matching shirts who had shelled out thousands of Australian dollars to really understand how big this loss was. Australia had not tripped and fallen against a better opposition. They had dived headfirst into a chasm of despair. And to make matters worse, they did it at their own ground.  

Aside from former English public school boys, it is hard to believe that anyone likes Lord’s more than Australian cricketers. England’s players have tended to treat it like just another ground, Australians have always acted as if it has special powers, much like their Baggy Green. It could always be relied up to revitalise even the poorest and most disorganised Australian sides. 

In 2009, that illusion dimmed a little. But four years later, they rode back to Lord’s with a 19-year-old magician in their ranks. Anything could happen. 

If you look at the Lord’s square, you can actually see the face mark of Ashton Agar as the Australians rode him into the ground. His 98 at Trent Bridge might as well have been a cartoon voice-over for all the good it did him. He started off bowling poorly then picked up a hip injury that made him move like an old man. He was run out by the vice-captain, continued to hobble in ineffectively, dropped the easiest catch he will ever be offered and was then dismissed in the second innings when even Hot Spot said he was not out. Comparatively, Australia fared better.

Looking back on the first day, and the entire first innings, Australia did really quite well. Ryan Harris’ body creaked as he ran in, but it held together well enough for him to claim early wickets. Michael Clarke bringing on Shane Watson early was either a masterstroke or a fluke. England were 28 for 3 after six overs. All was good in the world. 

Even when England fought back, Australia refused to let them get away, Peter Siddle’s back heel cost them the wicket of Bairstow, but Steve Smith’s patchy leg-spin confused England so much that by the end of the day they were seven down on a flat pitch. The next morning only a 10th-wicket partnership got in their way. And in this series, 10th-wicket partnerships are harder to kill than fast-moving zombies.

A total of 361 was below par. Unfortunately for Australia, their batting line-up was also below par. 

Australia’s opening partnership amassed 42 runs before Shane Watson put his leg in that familiar spot in front of the stumps and Tim Bresnan hit it. He responded by walking slowly down the wicket, seeking any sign from his partner that it wasn’t out. Chris Rogers obliged. So Watson referred one of the most obvious lbws in cricket history. Everyone abused him for being stupid, selfish and egotistical. Even Dave Warner’s brother had a go on Twitter. 

By the end of the innings, Watson was Australia’s top scorer. His abuse (which was possibly not justified, but certainly well-earned) could have been aimed at most of the Australian order, and even the tail, who for once did not save the day. The innings was best summed up when Brad Haddin was batting with the Australian with the tightest technique, James Pattinson. Instead of pushing the ball around to cash in on the deep field, he tried to hit the ball into Abbey Road. 

It would be easy, and fun, to continue to talk about how pathetic Australia were, but England were also better than competent. They were far from their best. In both innings they lost three wickets for fewer runs than Australia’s openers produced. 

They dropped catches and missed stumpings, but still Graeme Swann will never take an easier nine-wicket haul unless he plays against a team of kamikaze batsman. He can and will get better. 

Ian Bell came of age for the 73^rd time. He carried England in the first innings, and was doing the same in the second innings until he tripped over a Smith long hop. Joe Root was named man of the match because he made 186 runs (and took two wickets) while Bell only made 184. Both batsmen looked in freakish playing-on-cloud form.  

Root might have fallen short of 200, but at least he can say he tried to 'Dilscoop' a bowler in a Lord’s Ashes Test. It took something as mental as that for Australia to get him out. 

Pattinson’s fury on being dismissed shows that Australia still have the passion for which they are famed. But Pattinson was dismissed trying to get Australia to lose by over 300 runs on the fifth day of the Test, rather than the fourth. That is what this team now fights for, slightly less embarrassing defeats. The fight is still there, almost nothing else is. 

This article first appeared in the 'Ashes 2013' issue. 

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