THE GOOGLY: Miller’s tales are the best

HUW TURBERVILL: Probably the speaker supremo is Geoff Miller. Amusingly he combined being the cricket circuit’s pithiest after-dinner talker with the role of England’s chairman of selectors

Daunting doesn’t do it justice. 

It was the first time I had been sent overseas by a national newspaper, The Sunday Telegraph, to cover cricket – England’s 50-over series in Zimbabwe, in 2001. 

Everyone was friendly and welcoming, including David ‘Bumble’ Lloyd, despite me making an absolutely stupid reference in the bar the first time I met him about his previous experience there – ‘the flippin’ murdered ‘em’ campaign of 1996/97. What was I thinking? It just sort of popped out…

Anyhow, the Sky team were all great, and we even played a tennis tournament at our hotel that saw me pair up with photographer Tom Shaw against Bob Willis and Gus Fraser. An ace experience (ahem).

One night all the newspaper, radio and TV people had a big dinner. It was in the middle of nowhere, out of Harare (I recall a hairy journey back to the hotel in the boot of Geoffrey Dean’s truck).

Just after the main course I was told that it was traditional for newcomers to make a speech. I was given two minutes’ notice. My jaw dropped. 

I panicked and when I stood up – in front of some pretty grand characters, Peter Baxter and Jonathan Agnew included – I could barely think of anything to say.

Jonny Saunders, of BBC Radio 5 Live, then gave quite an entertaining talk. I later found that he had been forewarned the previous day.

^{"He is outstanding, and has the ability to tailor his speech to his audience"}

I suddenly found some courage… This was too good an opportunity to miss. Forget that I had been given a hospital pass. When Jonny finished, I stood up again. I distinctly recall Bumble saying: “What’s this, a second innings?” 

I had hastily scribbled down some notes and I gave it my best shot. I even managed a gag about “being beaten for pace earlier that day by Gus Fraser”, referring to our tennis match, which possibly received a semi-snigger. He was very good about it.

Apparently Bumble found it excruciating/amusing in equal measure, I was told by a witness. 

Cricket’s great after-dinner speakers have little to fear from me 17 years later anyway…

Probably the speaker supremo is Geoff Miller. Amusingly he combined being the cricket circuit’s pithiest after-dinner talker with the role of England’s chairman of selectors (or national selector, as it became known during his tenure).

A recent witness, Sir Ian Magee, confirms what I saw for myself about 20 years ago when Miller visited my now defunct club, Deben Valley, in Suffolk. “He is outstanding, and has the ability to tailor his speech to his audience,” Sir Ian tells me. He also picks out the now retired Peter Parfitt, the late Bill Frindall and Christopher Martin‑Jenkins as entertainers.

If you search on Google, most players seem to be available if the price is right. David Steele – ‘The Bank Clerk Who Went to War’ – has advertised his services in The Cricketer as ‘a cricket humourist’, and I have heard he is good. 

The best ones go on tours, of course. The TMS crowd are always in demand, and Henry Blofeld and Graeme Swann teamed up effectively in winters gone. David Gower is about to embark on another trip around the shires, while Paul Smith, Don Topley and Fraser are also lively talkers if your club needs somebody to make them laugh over the brandies.