Stockpiled Kolpaks, Stokes on Masterchef and the Marsh brothers' dating app: What cricket has in store in 2019

Our resident fortune teller SAM MORSHEAD looks into his crystal ball to find out what is going to happen over the coming 12 months. The results are... interesting

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It’s a big year for cricket, and cricket in England in particular. With a World Cup and Ashes series to come in the space of four short months, and the sport’s global community watching with interest, it’s likely to be very difficult to keep abreast of everything that’s going on.

Luckily for you, we’ve called in the clairvoyant talents of The Cricketer’s digital editor Sam Morshead to make sure you’re informed well before the event.

Let’s take a look into the crystal ball.

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The impact of a No Deal Brexit is keenly felt in English domestic cricket in March, when a Home Office paperpusher confuses Calpol for Kolpak and inadvertently stockpiles half of Hampshire's squad in a warehouse-sized fridge-freezer just north of Norwich.

Poised to enter the season without many of his key players, chairman Rod Bransgrove announces a protest concert at which his own band, Strapped For Cash, are to headline. For some reason, it takes place at Old Trafford. Lancashire members aren't invited.

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Rilee Rossouw: Kolpak, not Calpol

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With the ECB continuing to keep the identity of their mysterious new audience an absolute secret, Cambridge University scientists begin to work on a formula which will determine once and for all who the competition is actually for.

After three months locked in an underground bunker, the team make a startling discovery but on the eve of a tell-all press conference they are slapped with a superinjunction by the governing body’s lawyers.

A hitherto unseen bylaw sees Durham pick up the legal expenses.

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Ireland's first ever Test at Lord's is hanging on a knife edge on the fourth evening, with the hosts needing 70 and just three wickets remaining. No wonder, then, that there is consternation the next morning when, at 7am, a spotty intern named Colin is left to turn away the snaking queue of MCC members outside the Grace Gate, all of whom refuse to take him seriously. “Four days? Four days? What on earth does he think this is?”

***

The World Cup opens with a bang at the Oval, with England piling on 550-5 against South Africa. Jos Buttler smashes 200 in 50 balls but the innings is seen by 5million fewer viewers than ITV's ‘Celebrity Dog Walkers’. An unfortunate scheduling clash with Manchester United's first pre-season tour match in Malaysia sees the tournament's final pushed back a day. 

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David Warner and Steve Smith see their suspensions end in April and are rushed into the Australia ODI side in the UAE.

Each are made to sing an initiation song the night before their first international appearances in more than a year, classics adapted by their team-mates.

Warner is unimpressive with his rendition of ‘Don't Cry For Me, I'm A Cheater’ but Smith gives a word-perfect recital of ‘It Wasn't Me’

“Cameron had it down his trouser.”

“Wasn't me.”

“They even caught it on camera.”

Smith scores eight international centuries in the calendar year and is awarded the freedom of Sydney. He is restored as captain in November.

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The ICC announces that the 2027 World Cup will be a Quadrangular Series between Australia, England, India and India A.

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In club cricket, regional committees across the country introduce red and yellow cards following the continuous rise in reports of violence in the amateur game.

Bet365 opens a market on total disciplinary points in the East Berks Premier Division West.

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Ben Stokes nearly comes to blows with Gregg Wallace on an explosive episode of Celebrity Masterchef, after an argument erupts over the appropriate use of microherbs.

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Ben Stokes: Not a fan of a salad garnish

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Australia are beaten 5-0 in the Ashes.

“This is a sad day for the sport in our country,” Cricket Australia chief executive Kevin Roberts says.

The next day, Big Bash organisers reveal their competition is to treble in size.

Renamed the Bargain Bucket, the tournament’s eight franchises will now play each other home and away six times over a four-month period.

The Sheffield Shield is a victim, with its fixture list condensed and practice time streamlined. In a show of protest, Queensland resign their place and join the Ranji Trophy, where they are beaten in their first outing by Jalandar Railway Canteen Staff. “Why would you call your kid Marnus Labuschange”, runs the headline on the Times of India the next morning.

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With their batting averages now lingering in the low double digits, Shaun and Mitch Marsh sensationally quit cricket in November to launch a series of bespoke apps.

E-Mateship, a dating project which promises to pair singletons with partners of suitable lineage, falls flat early on but Elite Honesty, an online lie detector featuring the digitally re-enhanced voice of Richie Benaud, is a global best seller.

“Got ‘im,” it screams when it catches a user telling a porky.

Cricket Australia immediately sign up the app on a four-year contract as the organisation’s new head of integrity.

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Two weeks before Christmas, in a bizarre twist, the ECB are found to be in contempt of Parliament for failing to release the Hundred Impact Assessments.

Three days later, Tom Harrison appears in the Long Room, slightly embarrassed and clutching two A4 sheets of paper and the back of a Lord’s Tavern napkin.

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Bransgrove’s charity single, ‘Do They Know His Visa's Fine?’ charts at No.55 in the festive countdown. Hampshire's players celebrate the new year still locked in the giant fridge.

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