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10 REASONS WHY ENGLAND WILL DEFINITELY WIN THE ASHES

They may be 2-0 down but that won't stop The Cricketer from finding cause to expect an English series victory

Doom, doom, doom and gloom. England are 2-0 down and staring another disappointing Ashes defeat squarely in the face.

It’s all gone to pot, everything is dreadful and we might as well catch those extra hours of sleep where we can.

But wait. Where’s our festive spirit? This is no time to give up, not when there are so many obvious signs that this tour is very much alive and headbutting.

The Cricketer presents 10 reasons why England will definitely win the Ashes. Bear with us.


IT HAS HAPPENED BEFORE

Yes, there’s a precedent.

Back in 1936-37, England found themselves two Tests up and contrived to lose the series.

Now we’re not saying it’s a foregone conclusion but history does have a habit of repeating itself, even if it is in 81-year intervals.

Let’s do this thing.

The WACA will set the scene for the start of the fightback

YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT’S AROUND THE CORNER

There’s a pot simmering away underneath Cricket Australia and it’s surely not long before the whole contract dispute business rears its head again.

When it inevitably does, and after a mass exodus of frontline Aussie players, England will only have to beat a second-string side, just as they did in 1978/79 at the Waca against a Packer-weakened Australia.

Don’t doubt it, folks.

COOK’S DROUGHT CAN’T GO ON FOREVER

It’s been more than 2,500 days since Alastair Cook last hit a century for England against Australia.

It’s been eight innings since he passed 37 in Test matches.

You just know the opener is like a volcano of runs just waiting to unleash fury. Well, ‘unleash fury’ is perhaps the most inappropriate phrase to describe his style but the sentiment is the same.

And the wrath of Cook is just moments away.

Alastair Cook must be ready to unleash hell

IT TURNS OUT MASON CRANE DOES IN FACT EXIST

Until recently here had been some concern in the camp that ‘Mason Crane’ was in fact a construct of our imagination; a figure of mystery; English cricket’s very own Keyser Soze.

But then he was found turning his arm over in the nets and, to the relief of every England fan around, it turns out he’s an actual bowler capable of bowling actual wrist spin.

Now that’s been established, it’s possible for Trevor Bayliss to give him a whirl in the remaining Test matches. We think.

THE BARMY ARMY

England’s fans are a strangely influential bunch - they seem to have sway not just with their own players but even with rival fans. In Adelaide, minus drummer Benny who had to fly home for the birth of his son, they recruited a local by the name of Dave the (Sexy) Sax to provide musical accompaniment.

By the end of the second Test, Australian Dave was fully kitted out in the St George’s Cross and had taken up honorary British citizenship.

Once the Barmy Army have got to work on Mitchell Starc, Nathan Lyon and Pat Cummins, the hosts will have no one left to take the wickets they need.

Yes, it’s really that easy.

The Barmy Army recruited Dave the Sexy Sax... so can they recruit Mitchell Starc?

IT'S HARD TO SAY GOODBYE

Beneath their macho exterior, some of these Aussies are sentimental folk. Even Davey Warner.

Saying goodbye to the WACA - this is the famous ground’s final Test match - is undoubtedly going to be far too much for the top order to take. Expect Steve Smith’s leg stump to go cartwheeling as he daydreams about innings past, prepare to see Shaun Marsh crying his eyes out as he waves farewell to the Prindiville Stand after nicking off for a king pair.

The Freemantle Doctor will make their tears sting.

ENGLAND HAVE ACTUALLY RUN OUT OF SHORT BALLS

It’s official. After spending four innings in Brisbane and Adelaide totally ignoring a full length, the tourists’ bowlers have totally exhausted their supply of 80mph bumpers. Yep, there’s none left. None at all. The cupboard is bare.

Barring a late express delivery, and let’s face it that’s wholly unlikely, Stuart Broad, James Anderson and Co will now have no other option but to pitch it up at Perth.

And, as we’ve been reminded consistently over the past four days, that and that alone will swing this series around 180 degrees.

Stuart Broad and Co can't pitch it short any more... literally

IT’S ALL A CUNNING PLAN

It’s a scheme so devious even Edmund Blackadder would be offering a standing ovation.

Lure the Aussies in, lull them gently into a false sense of security with a series of wild cover drives and half-hearted hooks and then hit them with several vicious counter-attacking combinations.

When James Vince clocks up his double ton in Melbourne to square the series, the Baggy Green machine won’t know what’s hit it. It’s on, people.

ENGLAND ARE GOING TO GET KWIFFED

You don’t know what that means? It means dressing up like Just William and fondling bubble wrap. Apparently it’s a good thing.

Next.

CAN YOU HEAR THE SOUND OF A BARREL BEING SCRAPED?

Yep, so can we.