Dan

Without a doubt the greatest captain never to have scored a hundred for England in a test match, Daniel, the love child of Douglas Jardine, Che Guevara and Jeffrey Bernard, showed great promise in his youth with his smear through the off side and his chop behind point rivalling the grace and elegance of his great hero David Gower in his pomp.

But even he could do not delude himself into thinking that he could hook or pull, and for one who loves batting so much, he has had a morbid fear of the fast-moving cricket ball ever since he was sent to hospital by a vicious lifter in the St. John’s College nets.

The cracks really started to show when several times in his mid-20’s he deliberately got himself out having scored a century in order to have a cigarette. First introduced to cricket by his father he watched in awe as Viv Richards plundered 291 against Tony Greig’s grovelling Englishmen at The Oval in 1976.

From this moment aged 7 he realised that he was forever destined to bore his friends and family with arcane cricket trivia.

A devotee of Jack Hobbs (a much better batsman than the overrated Hutton), George Lohmann and that great Marxist and cricket fanatic C.L.R. James, he now devotes himself to the strenuous political task of getting 44 players out every Saturday as head of selection for his club, being ignored by various ignorant captains as he demands changes in the field, and coming in at number 8 to block 50 balls to secure the draw.

He intends to retire from cricket at 70 to take up Morphine and Golf.


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