Brought up in the cricketing backwater of Cornwall, Ralph's decline from promising "next Botham" to has-been/never-was sofa-bound cricket tragic strangely coincided with meeting Daniel at university.

A weakness for booze and broads (both Chris and Stuart) means he is now little seen on the cricket field.

However, as a keen follower of the Gooch-esque school of physical jerks, his lithe agility makes him the ideal man for the 400-yard dash to M&S for a bottle of pinot grig and cheap tobacco.

Wishes the Sofa could rewind 30 years to the time of Hadlee, Richards, B. and Thatcher. Struggles to reconcile England's improved Test form with the current socialist government.

Would consider going gay for Zooby, likes cats and high front elbows.

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